So I went through a lot of posts on this blog and it hit me like a ton of bricks
One of your posts said “i hate nighttime without you”
then after we broke up you posted “i hate nighttime”
I love you so much that I’m trying my hardest not to hate you and all you’ve done to me but it’s so hard. I called you yesterday because I had the worst shift and I’m thinking about quitting my job again and i know that even if you don’t want to, you know me very well and would be able to help me and i just wanted to hear your voice because it would comfort me. instead i was torn between being angry that i called and angry that you didn’t answer or text me after or anything.
i know you have said you loved me since we broke up, not to me, but i know you’ve said it. and i know you said you regret leaving me. but goddamit this means nothing to me if you don’t tell me. i want to know the complete and utter truth about how you feel about me and us and all that bullshit because it is so hard to move on thinking there is even a slight chance that you don’t want this break up at all.
you move home for good in 2 weeks. no more distance and no more Skype calls. you will be only 11 minutes away. how can i go on dates and hook up and have sex knowing that you’re coming home so soon and you might pluck up the courage and say what I’ve been waiting for for so long.
you doubt yourself so much and it blows my mind because you are one of my favorite people in the world. i have been on about 9 first dates and these guys are great but theres a reason theres no second date. i can’t get you out of my head from the second i start getting ready to the second i get home. how am i supposed to focus on how great that guy is when my head is flooded with white noise taking the shape of your voice and the things you’ve said to me. i can’t. i can’t move on with you right here.
so please for both of our sakes, when you move home tell me the full truth, good and bad, so i can figure out if i need to make second date plans or delete numbers.
you may not be able to say it, but i won’t be weak. jeremy ho, i love you. i love you so much.and i know you love me. tell me you love me, so everything we’ve done, all of this hate and anger will be worth something.